Tales of the IT Marines
by Arcsquad12
Summary: Not every job in the Adeptus Astartes is glamorous. The Techmarines keep things running.
1. Chapter 1

**Tales of the IT Marines**

**The following recordings have been recovered from Chapter Archives. **

...

"Emperor's Greetings, this is Brother Techmarine Darnellius. How may I help you today?"

...

"Yes, my flamer is refusing to fire its holy promethium. I don't know what I have done wrong."

...

"Have you recited the Litany of Purgation?"

...

"Yes, I recited the Litany, and then followed with the Sanctification of Holy Fire, but it still doesn't work."

...

"Have you tried disassembling the fuel feeder and torch assembly? Holy Oil can prevent the feeder tubes from blocking, and it also helps combine with the promethium to provide a stronger burst of fire."

...

"Alright, I'll try that... It still doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?"

...

"(Sigh), have you flipped the safety off?"

...

"Just one moment... Oh, no I hadn't! It's working now, thank you for your help!"

...

"Thank you for your business. May the Emperor guide you to further victories. Have a pleasant day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tales of the IT Marines**

/

"Link established. This is Brother Techmarine Darnellius, how may I help you better serve the Emperor?"

/

"Hello, yes, I think there is something wrong with my helmet's Vox caster. I keep picking up what appears to be some vile Slaaneshi program involving various Xenos' sexual activities. It is quite distracting."

/

"Can you provide the Vox channel frequencies?"

/

"... What for? Can't you fix it from there?"

/

"I need to check the frequencies and make sure that they aren't being relayed to any other Companies. If I can isolate the signal, I can block it from our transmissions."

/

"Very well, the frequency is 93.5 HenTau. Like I said, quite distracting."

/

"... How did you manage to get that frequency mixed up with the regular channels in the first place?"

/

"..."

/

"Hello? Are you still there?"

/

*The Caller has disconnected.*

/

"Brilliant. Well, perhaps I should take a look at that frequency..."


	3. Chapter 3

**Tales of the IT Marines**

/

"Vox link established. This is Brother Techmarine Darnellius. How may I help you today?"

/

"MY WEAPONS ACHE FOR THE THIRST OF BLOOD! MY AXE IS CLOGGED WITH THE FLESH OF A THOUSAND SERVANTS OF THE FALSE EMPEROR! FIX IT FOR ME!"

/

"I'm sorry, but we are currently unable to supply service to the Traitor Legions."

/

"YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED THE LIKES OF KHORNE, LOYALIST FILTH!"

/

"If you found our service unsatisfactory, please file a complaint with your nearest Munitorium Union Head. Until then, please submit yourself to the nearest Imperial Shrine for sanctifying and purgation. Have a pleasant day."

/

"NOBODY SPEAKS TO A SERVANT OF KHORNE IN SUCH A MATTER! WE SHALL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES, TECHMARINE!"

/

*Call has been disconnected.*

/

/

/

"YOU THINK YOU ARE SO EASILY RID OF ME! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKU-"

*Call has been terminated.*


	4. Chapter 4

**Tales of the IT Marines 4**

_Recording: Begin Playback_

...

"Greetings, this is Brother Techmarine Darnellius, how may I assist your service to the Emperor?"

...

"Uh, yes, err, my Landraider's Machine Spirit has gone rogue, and two of my battle brothers are trapped inside. Any suggestions?"

...

"Give me a moment, and I'll bring up the schematics, we'll walk through this one step at a time."

...

"Err, not to be rude, brother, but it's coming right at us."

...

"I SAID, one moment. Please hold."

...

...

_Muffled screams and bolter fire pierce through the vox speakers_

...

"AAUGH, EMPEROR'S MERCY IT CRUSHED MY LEG! WHERE IN TERRA ARE YOU?"

...

"Aha! Here we are: "The Adeptus Astartes Landraider Operation Manual. Please see scripture 3.14 for rights of pacification."

...

"FOR THE LOVE OF THE IMPERIUM, DO SOMETHING DAMMIT!... wait... no, no No, NO, NO! AUAAAAGH!"

...

"Hello? Are you still there?"

...

"This is Brother Mason, the Landraider just crushed Brother Hyrkon."

...

"Oh... well, do you wish to know how to fix this?"

...

_More smashing sounds and shouting._

_..._

"... Very much so, yes."

...

"Alright, what you want to do is acquire a techmarine to inject the core cogitator with a nano device, which should put the Machine Spirit into a stupor, allowing the Brother to disable the main engine."

...

"But YOU'RE the Techmarine! How are we supposed to corner a damn tank?"

...

_No Response_

_..._

"Brother Darnellius? Darnellius, come in!... Oh, Holy Father, it's back! Run, run!"

...

_Recording ends in static._


	5. Chapter 5

_Recording: Begin Playback_

...

"Greetings, this is Brother Techmarine Darnellius, how may I assist you this day?"

...

"This is Force Commander Zacharias. I am having some technical issues with my armor."

...

"Can you give me the technical specifications? Armor mark, Chapter affiliation, whatever you can find."

...

"Understood, brother. Let us see... Mark Six Corvus plate, Chapter Affiliation Salamanders, is that helpful?"

...

"One moment, Commander, I am bringing up the file... Here we are. What seems to be the problem with the suit?"

...

"The arm servos are seizing up. Our company is on deployment in an arctic environment. This suit is the only one that is having troubles adapting to the cold."

...

"I see... give me one second and I will compare and contrast these armor specifications with the other Salamander suits we have on file. Most of your chapter's suits had been modified with special heating systems to deal with low temperature environments. I see no reason why this one should not be working."

...

"Er, right, of course."

...

"Let's see here... wait, that cannot be right. Commander, are you still there?"

...

"I am. What is it brother?"

...

"It's just, when I pulled up related schematics for Salamander Power armor, your name was not on record, and the suit you are wearing has numerous reports filing it under "stolen". Where did you get this suit, sir?"

...

"...It was, 'gifted' to our Chapter."

...

"Wait, _gifted!?_"

_"Transmission Cut"_

...

"Bloody Magpies. That's the third one this month."


End file.
